My favourite conspiracy theories
Pre-internet conspiracy theories were a real treat, and often involved an eccentric acquaintance or an over-sharing cab driver who would offer a passionate insight into an alternative narrative to a popularly accepted account of a world event. In the 90s, it was mostly about faked moon landings, the JFK assassination, the Roswell incident, and Area 51.
Then the internet hit puberty, developed video streaming and social media, and conspiracy theories began a new age in alternative ‘information’. Now, so many conspiracy theories are available to us, each of them vying for our attention and affiliation through numerous charismatic orators, many whom fiend on evoking fear and inspiring the reclaiming of a supposed power like the charlatans they are.
I personally enjoy the more supernatural conspiracy theories, as some of the more social/religious ones are really awful and inspire a corrosive hatred of specific groups. Ultimately, they serve to foment division and excuse violence, a mechanism that humanity should really be putting away now in the modern age. So, to keep this fun and light, here are some of my favourite conspiracy theories –
EARTH
The Earth is flat, or it could be hollow, or just a hologram! It appears there are a number of competing conspiracy theories about the shape of the planet. The official narrative is that the Earth is an ‘oblate spheroid’ or ‘round’ for our convenience. However, according to a seemingly increasing number of people, the Earth is a particular kind of flat. The Earth is supposedly like a disk, with the edges surrounded by an ice-wall that either no-one or only a few know what is beyond. Or the Earth is in fact hollow, with an entire ecosystem and advanced civilisation living in the interior. Either way, the South Pole is a fixture in these accounts, as it may serve as the gateway to the great unknown of what is beyond, and that’s why all the world’s governments are united in not exploring that region in order not to get lasered by the advanced peoples who don’t want our underdeveloped violent mitts on their soil. Last of all, the world and all of reality may just be a hologram, emitted by a signal from the hexagonal poles of Saturn and further amplified by our moon, which is in fact a hollowed-out space station, all courtesy of extra-terrestrials that may or may not be a collusion by the interdimensional ‘Greys’ and shapeshifting ‘Reptilians’ who have interbred with prominent human dynasties in order to rule over the rest of us. Google it, it’s lots of fun, if not utterly terrifying, which is apparently what ‘they’ want in order to feed-off the fear we emit. Lucky for me, I laugh, which seems to keep them all at bay.
ALIENS
Human abductions by extra-terrestrials has been a well-documented phenomenon since at least the 1960s, and there is no shortage of books and films of accounts that have made a few people famous and wealthy, if not ridiculed and outcast. Apparently, UFOs have been depicted and reported in human stories for hundreds of years, but after world war 2 and particularly the exploding of the atomic bomb, UFO sightings have seemingly increased, as reported by a number of people including military personnel, pilots, and oftentimes probably a lot of liars.
The most popular alien seems to be the classic ‘Grey’; an emotionless drone that can render any person unconscious and immobile, an experience only to be recalled later with an unnerving memory.
There are many more, including more humanoid ones that may be taller, with more distinct features. Some of them seem to be benevolent, and some not as much. Stories of contact with extra-terrestrials varies, involving individuals, couples, and even entire groups who witness a phenomenon, which can never be verified as fact. Yet the impact definitely changes the experiencers for the rest of their lives.
A simple internet search will reveal many stories and personalities, and it’s obvious that there are many characters whose seemingly competent articulation on such matters, is an exciting and dishonest form of employment. But for others, it was all very real…
CRYPTIDS
The Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Chupacabra have probably been the most famous examples of cryptids. They are not supernatural like ghosts, they are not creatures from other planets or dimensions, they are supposedly undiscovered creatures on Earth that have evaded capture. I want to believe they are real, because it would be exciting to discover an actual dinosaur, plesiosaur-like reptile in Scotland, or a hairy ape-like biped in the forests of North America, or the blood-sucking vampiric creature of Brazil. There probably are lots of interesting creatures that are still to be discovered, but surely anything as big as the three aforementioned cryptids, would have been quantified as real a long time ago. There are many more claims out there, including mermaids, underground humanoids, and less excitingly, big cats in the English countryside. But never enough to really satiate our appetites, so at least we have movies about these things which is probably the best and safest way to entertain such notions.
COMEDY
The realm of satire and comedians themselves are mostly sceptical and non-believing, however, every now and then, I’ve spoken to a comic who’s had a supernatural experience. These stories are mostly kept out of most green rooms, but in safe spaces, where instant ridicule isn’t on the cusp of finishing a sentence, a fascinating story awaits. A story that never concludes the way we need it to, but leaves us all open to the wonders and mysteries of life for the ongoing adventure it is, as we careen through a universe at the hands of a divine cosmic algorithm that is always many more dimensions ahead of us and the tiny little brains we were gifted with.
In honour of the late Phil Butler, a funny and kind man who I got to work with a few times. When I first met him, he told me a story I will never forget. Here’s his account of his experience –
Quite a few comics have some really good supernatural stories, maybe they’ll emerge over time, might be a good podcast series…